I remember it so clearly, the first time a cell phone interrupted a conversation – my first experience with “phubbing” or “phone snubbing.” I was talking with two friends and mid-conversation one of them pulled out her phone and started texting.
My other friend and I looked at each other, completely bewildered – had we both just disappeared? That was a long time ago, and taking calls or checking your social media while hanging out with a friend has come to be expected.
But should it be? Being a good listener is more than an attribute listed on your dating profile. Good listeners excel in business relationships as well as personal ones. And it seems they are becoming harder and harder to find.
Be Fully Present
It seems like it should go without saying, but when you’re having a conversation, being fully present goes a long way toward understanding and being understood. What exactly do I mean by “fully present?” The first hurdle is to clear your mind.
Don’t think about your 2 o’clock meeting or who’s picking up the kids. Empty your mind of extraneous thoughts, drop your agenda, and open yourself to empathy. Focus only on the person in front of you. Like a meditation practice, this can be very hard if you’re not used to it, but becomes easier the more you do it. Rid yourself of as many distractions as possible. No phone, no computer. Don’t think about what you’re going to say next or how to work your comments in. Be fully present with your body as well. Try not to fiddle with things, or bounce your knee, or get visually distracted by things around you. Just listen, with intention.
Practice Active Listening
Active listening is actually a term coined back in 1957 by Carl Rogers and Richard Farson, and was meant to describe a technique that strove to understand the speaker from their point of view, and convey back to the speaker that they were understood accurately. It helps make the listener less defensive especially when hearing something they might not agree with, and can be a very useful tool in conversations where one party often feels misunderstood, or when both participants in the conversation are apt to disagree with each other.
In practice it looks like this: maintain eye contact, nod your head or make encouraging noises like “mmm hmm,” and when they are done talking, you rephrase what they said with something like, “I hear that you feel ___.” Then you wait for their response telling you either that you did correctly understand what they were trying to express, or that you didn’t – in which case they try to clarify for you and you continue until they verify you heard what they were hoping you would hear.
It can be helpful to look at the skills used in improv. You never know what crazy thing will come out of another actor’s mouth, so you can’t prepare – you can only listen and react. And the best scenes happen when you don’t negate what was said, but rather respond with a “Yes, and…” In improv, you train to be in the moment, focussing everything on listening well.
Give “Medium Talk” a Try
Most of us dread small talk, but on the other hand, getting deep with someone you just met (or a colleague) is often not the best idea. Medium talk is the happy middle ground of the two. More than just surface talk about the weather, and health, and “how’s the job going;” medium talk takes small talk and flips it just enough to make it engaging without treading into TMI territory.
For example, rather than asking that slightly familiar person at the water cooler “What’s new?,” ask something more specific that will require more than a two word answer. One of the favorite questions for medium talk on Reddit is “What’s something you like that most people don’t?”
Think about questions that will give you insight into this person, as well as leave plenty of room for continued conversation. Most good conversations are basically a stream of consciousness: they say one thing that makes you think of the next thing, that makes them think of the next thing, and so on. No agenda, just freeform listening in the moment, and responding with your first thoughts. “What’s something surprising about you?,” is another great example. Not only will the answer likely make for a good conversation, but it’s the type of information that sticks with you (for example, learning that someone who you just met makes artisanal pencils will make that person more memorable).
So, the next time you find yourself in a conversation, turn off your phone (or flex its Do Not Disturb features) and move away from any screens. Drop your agenda (and ego) at the door – this isn’t an opportunity to brag or work in a line you’ve been waiting to deliver. Don’t think about what you’re going to say next. Channel your inner SNL performer, and enjoy the process, without worrying where it will lead.
Let your verbal partner know you’re really listening.
